Amazing how small gift like this could make a person feel happy even just for a little while.

The tiny dolls made from a painted small stones. It’s so cute and I love it!

 I’m sick and tired of posting my pathetic status on FB or Twitter. I feel like am the only one with lots of problems there. Reading my friends status sometimes make me sick to my stomach. It seemed they’re all happy and God loves them very much. It’s so unfair to some of us with bunch of problems in their lives

 Im not talking about unemployed or got fired from work etc. I’m talking about dying and losing someone you love so much  along with having pregnancy complications and the possibility of having premmie baby.

I know that they don’t mean anything by posting their status and I don’t hate them for that. I just hate that why my life is so messed up. As far as I remember I helped a lot of people including my own family. And even though I’m not rich I do charity to those who needed.

I don’t understand why and still wonder about what I have  done in the past that would make my life so miserable.

You see I don’t come from happy family like most of my friends. I never know my father. Don’t know what is like to be spoiled by your parents. Sexually abused since age 8 doesn’t make me a strong person. Haunted by my past life a lot. And now my husband is dying from cancer and my pregnancy complications make things even worse. 

Still think God loves me? I don’t know and I don’t have the answer for that. 

My only happiness right now is the baby. Love to feel her moving and kicking in my belly. But the happiness won’t stay long because I bleed every now and then and doctor planning to take her out if the blood doesn’t stops. 

How sad is that? I won’t be able to feel her anymore but I will see her in NICU for a while after she’s born and won’t be able to bring her home.

I’m scared for by unborn child and my husband. It is so hard to stay strong for both if them but I will try…

I just love my life so much!!!!

1. Eat delicious foods!
2. Cooking for my husband and takecare of him
3. Drive my very own new car Toyota Vits 
4. Take pictures again! 
5. Wear make up and be chic again
6. Upgrade MBP to Snow Leopard
7. Clean my supper messy room
8. Watch movies with Naoya
9. Walk my dogs with Naoya
10. Go travel with Naoya
11. Visit my mum and bro with Naoya
12. Hanami in Spring with Naoya 
13. Have a Japanese spa day with Nao
14. Make a family video
15. Send holiday cards to friends and family with our pictures in it.

Anyway, I don’t know how long I need to stay at the hospital. But, it looks like it’s going to be so very long, at least for another 2 or 3 months. I’m okay with it as long as the baby is safe, healthy and born in perfect condition. I wish nothing but the baby be born healthyand perfect. So I’m going to do anything I could for the last
2 or 3 months just for the lil one.

I should just die when my parents left me alone to this world and let me suffer for all my life. I have suffered too much already and I don’t think could hold it anymore.

fuck the IVF, fuck everything fuck fuck fuck!!!!

Anyway I stumbled upon this past life reading by Astrology.com and I find it so true. I always have passion for European history especially the ancient one.

Here’s the short free reading:

Chapter 1: The Sun

Your Sun is in Leo (Tropical zodiac)
Leo symbolizes the consciousness wherein there is strength, creativity and virility, as well as a certain headstrong or willful nature in how you apply yourself in relationship with others.

For instance, Leony , reading biographical or historical novels about European royalty, daydreaming about the courts of Kings and Queens of modern Europe or ancient times and other grandeurs of the past may bring to your conscious mind memories of previous incarnations when you were at the forefront of things.  Hence to this very day there probably remains within you considerable inner strength along with a strong feeling for behind-the-scenes intrigues as well as a powerful sense of individualism.  These qualities are probably connected with your past life experiences involved — directly and indirectly — with leaders of society and government.

You are also likely to have an above-average interest in the great artistic and spiritual accomplishments of the grand cathedrals and great churches of Britain and Europe, as well as the ancient temples of the Mediterranean world

It might be a scam but it’s true, at least to me lol. I want to visit Europe someday…

I spent another  ¥20000 online shopping yesterday just for clothes. But hey it’s 50-90% OFF!

How can I refuse 50-90% discount? And YES  I love all the outfits I purchased. Well it was one quick browsing because I had to get them fast otherwise I won’t be able to get clothes I wanted.  Japanese girls are fast  when it comes to Sale shopping lol.

Anyway , the package arrived today and I love all of them!

I’ll wear the red sun dress at home, I love sun dress! The yellow or pink dress would be nice for the egg transfer soon.

Can’t wait..

PS. Need a bigger closet, maybe a walk-in closet )))

I don’t know if I can go through it again, it’s freaking hurts. It always making me sad when I thought about the egg retrieval process because it was horrible. Just imagine you’re half awake when the doctor took the 18 eggs out of your tummy * shudder*

I really hope my first IVF will work. I can’t stand the pain and so much money too. Why do I have to go through this. It’s not fair. Sometimes I blame my husband for all this to happen but I can’t be selfish. It’s isn’t his or my fault. But why do I have go through this….

Anyway enough ranting. I had another IVF self injection last night and it was freaking hurts lol. The needle is smaller this time so it wasn’t that bad but still hurts. It’s funny how the drug reaction works really fast. Now I feel grumpy and having this mild cramps again.

The doctor said the egg if everything goes well, they will transfer the egg next month around August 4th and after that I need a total bed rest. Which mean no computer at all. Just watch TV, play games or browsing using my cellphone from my bed lol. Thank God for the technology! At least I won’t feel so bored, I can survive a week without MBP!

Here some of the drugs and the injection. It’s smaller this time but still ouch!

Time goes by so fast and many things happened, good, bad, happy and sad moments. But in the end we all going to get through those moments and ponders about it. There are a few things I regret  not doing the thing I wanted the most in the past and now I’m running out of time.

There are also many things I’m grateful for, one of them love and be loved by people you care the most. My marriage isn’t perfect but we both happy and content for what we have now. Even though there are many obstacles and “intruders” for the last 8 and a half years we both still feel as a couple who fell in love when they just met.  I treasure every moments I have with Naoya, friends and family including my dogs *laughs*

As for going 30, I’m excited and I’m going to enjoy the last few weeks of my 20s. I don’t have plans for my birthday because honestly I don’t really want any birthday gifts or  anything fancy. I just want God to listen to my prayers and give the thing I want the most. I have done my work and do everything thing I could do and now I’m just going to leave it to God. I really hope he will listen and make my wish come true…

Umm okay enough ramblings. Need to get something for my stuffy nose (.