It would be nice to have someone you could talk to, whatever it is you want to talk about. No secret whatsoever, just spill them out. I used to do that to my husband. He would laugh or smile listening to me venting about silly stuff. When I feel sad, he would hug me really tight.

Now, I have no one to talk to or even give me a hug. I can only cry for hours. Sometimes I feel like am going crazy, crying all the time. I know that a year has passed and thought that it would be better after that but I was wrong. It worse than I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because I have the in-laws still sticking around.

Sometimes I wonder, would it be better if it’s just Risa and I?
We could be happier. I would be happier. But when it will be? When I can finally get my ” freedom”? It’s funny that this is our house (Risa and I) but I don’t feel free at all.

I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. I don’t do shopping, but I do online shopping though but then again it’s not helping. I took pictures a week ago but I haven’t got the time uploading them to my laptop or iPad. I couldn’t even touch my laptop. Risa will take over and mess around with my aperture again. The last time she touch my laptop, she uploaded over 200 pictures of HER to my Flickr account. What a Little geek.

I should go to bed before she wakes up again. Goodnight, good morning, good afternoon internet.

Suami saya sudah meninggal Dan tidak Ada lagi tanggung jawab saya untuk masakin kalian. Benci bgt. Sudah listrik, air, gas semua saya yg bayar. Mereka cuma tinggal makan Aja. Buang sampah juga semua saya, bersih2 juga semua saya! Sampai Celana dalam kalian yg cucipun SAYA! Rumah milik saya, pajak yg bayar saya semua tapi kenapa terasa seperti diperlakukan kaya babu?

Terpaksa mengeluarkan uneg2 di blog, soalnya di Facebook dikritik dibilang status saya jahat dan kejam, padahal mereka semua tidak Ada yg tau apa yg saya alami. Sampai2 Ada yg inbox nyokap karena terganggu don status saya. Curhat di FB bukanya membantu Malah menambah stress.

Mau balik keindo, berfikir bekali2, karena nga mungkin balik keindo Dan tinggal serumah don nyokap dan suami muda barunya yg kebetulan seumuran dengan saya. Padahal baru beli rumah diindo tapi nga pengen tinggal satu atap dengan nyokap karena, Dari dulu tidak pernah Akur kalo tinggal satu atap. Blum lagi uang saya yg Akan terkuras kalau tinggal diindo.

Enaknya di Jepang, walaupun biaya hidup mahal, masih bisa irit. Dan biaya rumah sakit gratis untuk janda Dan anak yatim. Semua sudah Ada dijepang, Mobil, rumah Dan tanah pun Ada. Tapi semuanya tidak Ada artinya Tampa suami. Ya Allah kenapa Engkau Harus ambil suami saya, padahal kami sangat membutuhkan Naoya.

Satu lagi saya paling benci kalo dibilang “sabar” kenapa karena ya iyalah sudah pasti sabar kalau Ada masalah kita semua musti sabar Dan tidak harus dibilangin. Kalo yg bilangin ustad baru saya dengarkan, kalo tidak ya tolong cari kata2 lain untuk membantu menenangkan hari orang kalau lagi stress.

Mau sholat pun susah, anak masih kecil nga Ada yg jaga kalo pas sholat. Paling bisanya sholat tengah malam pas Risa sudah bobo. Itu juga kadang2 suka terbangun, sholat langsung bubar kalo Risa bangun.

Hari ini kesalnya minta ampun, semoga besok lebih baik Dari hari ini.

I hate Facebook now, it died along with my husband. I have No happy status to post on Facebook anymore. Facebook used to be fun before Naoya died. Now all that I can feel now is that I envy all of my friends who are happily married and still complain about how their husband come home late everyday while I on the other hand waiting for nothing everyday. Sometimes I wish this is all just a nightmare and I’d wake up and see him by my side. God I miss so much that it hurts so bad.

I feel miserable everyday. It’s hurts because the memories of him still and will be forever in my mind. I’ve been crying everyday lately. And I don’t know how to stop. Maybe someday I will stop crying.

By the way I have deleted my Facebook account. This time for good as I won’t be back. I need to start a new thing. New people, new beginning again. New friends. So Good bye Facebook as I have nothing left to share other than my miserable life.

Anyway enough bout Facebook. I Skyped with mother today. Got some not great news. Some people just got too much time on their hands to gossip about other people busines. Also found out that one of my relatives has been talking about my mother and I behind our back. Screw them, I don’t care about them anymore. The only family I got left now is my little girl, my mother and my brothers. The rest are just bleh.

I need to talk so someone, someone that experienced the same thing. Someone that also lost her spouse. May I say widow to widow talk?
Some say that I need get over it and face the reality. Believe me. I am trying so damn hard to face the truth the he’ll never ever going to come back. I’m still keeping my husband’s things, his favourite things. I want and need to show them to my daughter someday when she’s grow up.

Okay gotta stop writing. Risa is just woke up.

Anyway I stumbled upon this past life reading by Astrology.com and I find it so true. I always have passion for European history especially the ancient one.

Here’s the short free reading:

Chapter 1: The Sun

Your Sun is in Leo (Tropical zodiac)
Leo symbolizes the consciousness wherein there is strength, creativity and virility, as well as a certain headstrong or willful nature in how you apply yourself in relationship with others.

For instance, Leony , reading biographical or historical novels about European royalty, daydreaming about the courts of Kings and Queens of modern Europe or ancient times and other grandeurs of the past may bring to your conscious mind memories of previous incarnations when you were at the forefront of things.  Hence to this very day there probably remains within you considerable inner strength along with a strong feeling for behind-the-scenes intrigues as well as a powerful sense of individualism.  These qualities are probably connected with your past life experiences involved — directly and indirectly — with leaders of society and government.

You are also likely to have an above-average interest in the great artistic and spiritual accomplishments of the grand cathedrals and great churches of Britain and Europe, as well as the ancient temples of the Mediterranean world

It might be a scam but it’s true, at least to me lol. I want to visit Europe someday…

I takes ages to import all my files back from iDisk. It’s only 45mb pictures folder for god’s sake and it’s been HOURS! I always had to turn off the Airport connection to stop the loading window.  I am definitely leaving mobileme for good. I have been a good customer for over 5 years and this is what I get. The damn iDisk is freaking SLOW. Mobileme is the worst Apple product ever! 

It doesn’t even allow me to sync my files anymore, too much glitch and problems for $99 USD. The transition from dotmac to mobileme is really a disaster. Heck, even dotmac wasn’t that good either but at least is didn’t give me tons of trouble sync my files. The point is,  I spent $495 USD for 5 years just for what? Only for email address and storing my 45mb pictures with tons of glitch? And now it’s getting far worst than I thought, I can’t get my files back!

Anyway, end of rant.

I need to focus, I still have 45 days to move all my files and backup my emails before my account expire. I have to start looking for mobileme alternative. Although I found many choices but not sure which one I like, yet/

For iDisk alternative : Sugarsync, Funambol,  Bingodisk, dropbox,  AmazonS3, Google service or just rent one server and work it out.

For gallery, Sugarsync, google picasa and flickr works but I have to admit the mobileme gallery looks much better but well it doesn’t matter to me.

Ugh, my head is still aching.  I’ll keep looking until I find the one I like.

I’m not recommending mobileme to all new Apple users.  I spent $99 for nothing!

Leony.net is starting to drive me crazy lmao.

Anyway, I’m tired and I have so many things I have to do. House work, networking, including working on my friend’s Calendar Collage and uploading all my photos to Photoshelter.com so I can start selling my work there. No to mention running the community that my friends and I created about a month ago.

I love doing the networking stuff but I hate doing the house chores bah. 

I’ve been thinking to get a laptop so I can do networking in the living room with my dogs near me, so I can watch the little brat, Olive. That dog has been screwing and chewing my friggin shoes, not just my shoes but everyone else’s shoes. He even chewed every corner of my house! Aghhhhh.

The last time, I got so upset and kicked him out of the house in the middle of the night, but it only lasted for about 15 minutes. Because I can’t imagine if he got hit by car or bite by other dogs in my neighbourhood lmao.

Ahh so much for ranting today. I better feed the freaking dogs.

Her mother is working everyday so I took care of her everyday after school.  She stayed for a couple of hours everyday in my house and wait for her mother to come home and pick her up.

Her big problem is she cannot wakeup and get up everytime she sleeps. She is 10 years old and her mother and ALL of us always had to force her to walk and get up everytime she took a nap in the evening. Just about half an hour ago, I had to drag her out of the house into her mother’s car so they can go home.

There’s something in this family that needs to be fix. I did fix my FIL tho, fixed his attitude quite a bit after having him to live with us for like 8 years now.

Now, I think my niece need to be fixed lmao. It just difficult because she is not my kid, so I don’t want to cross the line.

She got mother and I think that’s her mother’s job to teach her something about manner and an attitude.

I know that she’s only 10 years old but she need to CHANGE the annoying habit, because it doesn’t look pretty at all

Anyway, end or rant

It failed many times. Blah I don’t think I like the new wordpress.