It would be nice to have someone you could talk to, whatever it is you want to talk about. No secret whatsoever, just spill them out. I used to do that to my husband. He would laugh or smile listening to me venting about silly stuff. When I feel sad, he would hug me really tight.

Now, I have no one to talk to or even give me a hug. I can only cry for hours. Sometimes I feel like am going crazy, crying all the time. I know that a year has passed and thought that it would be better after that but I was wrong. It worse than I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because I have the in-laws still sticking around.

Sometimes I wonder, would it be better if it’s just Risa and I?
We could be happier. I would be happier. But when it will be? When I can finally get my ” freedom”? It’s funny that this is our house (Risa and I) but I don’t feel free at all.

I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. I don’t do shopping, but I do online shopping though but then again it’s not helping. I took pictures a week ago but I haven’t got the time uploading them to my laptop or iPad. I couldn’t even touch my laptop. Risa will take over and mess around with my aperture again. The last time she touch my laptop, she uploaded over 200 pictures of HER to my Flickr account. What a Little geek.

I should go to bed before she wakes up again. Goodnight, good morning, good afternoon internet.

Suami saya sudah meninggal Dan tidak Ada lagi tanggung jawab saya untuk masakin kalian. Benci bgt. Sudah listrik, air, gas semua saya yg bayar. Mereka cuma tinggal makan Aja. Buang sampah juga semua saya, bersih2 juga semua saya! Sampai Celana dalam kalian yg cucipun SAYA! Rumah milik saya, pajak yg bayar saya semua tapi kenapa terasa seperti diperlakukan kaya babu?

Terpaksa mengeluarkan uneg2 di blog, soalnya di Facebook dikritik dibilang status saya jahat dan kejam, padahal mereka semua tidak Ada yg tau apa yg saya alami. Sampai2 Ada yg inbox nyokap karena terganggu don status saya. Curhat di FB bukanya membantu Malah menambah stress.

Mau balik keindo, berfikir bekali2, karena nga mungkin balik keindo Dan tinggal serumah don nyokap dan suami muda barunya yg kebetulan seumuran dengan saya. Padahal baru beli rumah diindo tapi nga pengen tinggal satu atap dengan nyokap karena, Dari dulu tidak pernah Akur kalo tinggal satu atap. Blum lagi uang saya yg Akan terkuras kalau tinggal diindo.

Enaknya di Jepang, walaupun biaya hidup mahal, masih bisa irit. Dan biaya rumah sakit gratis untuk janda Dan anak yatim. Semua sudah Ada dijepang, Mobil, rumah Dan tanah pun Ada. Tapi semuanya tidak Ada artinya Tampa suami. Ya Allah kenapa Engkau Harus ambil suami saya, padahal kami sangat membutuhkan Naoya.

Satu lagi saya paling benci kalo dibilang “sabar” kenapa karena ya iyalah sudah pasti sabar kalau Ada masalah kita semua musti sabar Dan tidak harus dibilangin. Kalo yg bilangin ustad baru saya dengarkan, kalo tidak ya tolong cari kata2 lain untuk membantu menenangkan hari orang kalau lagi stress.

Mau sholat pun susah, anak masih kecil nga Ada yg jaga kalo pas sholat. Paling bisanya sholat tengah malam pas Risa sudah bobo. Itu juga kadang2 suka terbangun, sholat langsung bubar kalo Risa bangun.

Hari ini kesalnya minta ampun, semoga besok lebih baik Dari hari ini.

I hate Facebook now, it died along with my husband. I have No happy status to post on Facebook anymore. Facebook used to be fun before Naoya died. Now all that I can feel now is that I envy all of my friends who are happily married and still complain about how their husband come home late everyday while I on the other hand waiting for nothing everyday. Sometimes I wish this is all just a nightmare and I’d wake up and see him by my side. God I miss so much that it hurts so bad.

I feel miserable everyday. It’s hurts because the memories of him still and will be forever in my mind. I’ve been crying everyday lately. And I don’t know how to stop. Maybe someday I will stop crying.

By the way I have deleted my Facebook account. This time for good as I won’t be back. I need to start a new thing. New people, new beginning again. New friends. So Good bye Facebook as I have nothing left to share other than my miserable life.

Anyway enough bout Facebook. I Skyped with mother today. Got some not great news. Some people just got too much time on their hands to gossip about other people busines. Also found out that one of my relatives has been talking about my mother and I behind our back. Screw them, I don’t care about them anymore. The only family I got left now is my little girl, my mother and my brothers. The rest are just bleh.

Life without my husband was tough and hard. Not in a financial way *for now* but like people say, money can’t buy happiness. It can only RENT happiness.

Risa now is 1 year and 8 months old (1 year and 6 months adjusted). She’s growing and she’s turning into just like her mom lol. She amazes me every single moment. Apart from grieving, life with Risa is wonderful. It’s like a magic. There are words to describe it.

Risa made me happy though but there are moments when I lock myself out in the closet or sit on the stairs just calm myself down. I guess that’s quite common for a mother, that’s the challenge of being a good mother.

Gtg

I need to talk so someone, someone that experienced the same thing. Someone that also lost her spouse. May I say widow to widow talk?
Some say that I need get over it and face the reality. Believe me. I am trying so damn hard to face the truth the he’ll never ever going to come back. I’m still keeping my husband’s things, his favourite things. I want and need to show them to my daughter someday when she’s grow up.

Okay gotta stop writing. Risa is just woke up.

I remember I felt a huge gush bleeding. The blood was all over the bed before the nurse even reach my door room at the hospital.

It was crazy. I will always remember it. The very last night I carry my baby in my belly. I don’t think I’m able to have a baby again since my husband’s now gone. And I don’t intend to remarriage.  My life now is all about Risa. She is all I have now.

A year has passed. Risa is one year old now. It is extremely unfortunate that her father will not be able to watch her grow. But I believe he’s watching us from up there. 

I missed him terribly every second, minute and every single day. The memories of him flashed back every minutes and every day. It’s a dreadful feeling but I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Which is so painful.

Risa is growing. She now can claps her hands but not walking yet. She loves to laugh and smile a lot! I guess she inherited that from me . 

Anyway a friend will be coming over tomorrow. SIL and Niece are here to celebrate Risa’s birthday. Even though Risa’s father won’t be here with us but I know that we, Risa and I are blessed in so many ways. And I believe that someday we will be together again. Reunited with her father.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING RISA!
You are the best thing in my life. My precious little girl. We love you so very very much!

All I wanted is to have a normal life. Ever since I was born my life has been always out of ordinary. I wanted my daughter to live the life I couldn’t get to live but she ended up the same like me. She will never be able feel how is it like to be loved by her father. I’m scared that someday she will ask about her father and I don’t know if I can answer all of her questions. It’s not going to be easy for me raising her all by myself. But I have to and I must. I hope I can be there for my little daughter in every step of the way. Until my time come.

He died last Saturday on 8 January at 8:07 PM. I was there watching him dying. His breathing was fast at first and then it gotten weaker and weaker. I talked to him, even though I know that he couldn’t talk but I know that he knows and listening to me and Risa’s babbling
Watching him die was one of the hardest thing in my life. But Risa made everything seems possible and easier. She would smile every time I start to cry. And there I stop crying and smiling back at her.

Now everything is only a memory. One thing for sure, memory will never die. He will be remembered as a loving husband, father and uncle.
I need to start writing a diary for Risa. So that one day I will tell her everything about her father. From his favorite books, meals, hobbies and everything I know about her father.

I have some many unanswered questions to God. People keep saying that everything happens for a reason and just let God do his work.
Still I keep questing myself, why me, why Risa. It’s not like we’ve done a terrible thing in the past. I just don’t understand why he took him away from us. He was my home and happiness. Now that he’s gone, I feel homeless and have nowhere to go even though he left us with a house and everything we needed.

Anyway, SIL is helping me out with everything. From paper works to house cleaning etc.
Naoya’s friends and colleagues are also helping me out with insurances. I hope I can stay strong and move on with my new life.

This is the last picture of Naoya and his daughter. Taken a few days before he passed away.

Don’t know how am I supposed to take her pictures with her chasing me everywhere. Toys not helping. She would play with her toys but a minute later she would try to grab my camera or iPhone. 

She’s also obsessed with wires, remote controls and MBP. Of course she only grabs my digicams USB wires. I don’t let her crawls anywhere near my desktop .

She seems to like electronics goods a lot. I guess she got that from me. Mind you I’d rather buy electronics goods instead of jewelry. Lol. That’s me.

Anyways I probably should get a new toys for her. Something that would distract her from drooling over my gadgets lol.